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yuumei β Tape it Back Together
Published: 2009-03-06 22:46:33 +0000 UTC; Views: 1742246; Favourites: 63295; Downloads: 0
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My family has a complicated history of separation, immigration, divorce, and remarriage. I won't go into the details but my mom often said to me "It's my life, my choice, I do what I want. You have no right to judge me."I'm 18, but as a 9 year old child at the time, I couldn't repeat what she said. I could only wonder "Your choice in life affects me too."
Divorce is such a fad these days. Half the people I know have divorced parents, and most of them aren't happy about it. I understand in some situations divorce is the only way, but when your choice affects more than just you, think of the consequences and choose wisely.
With that said, I also wrote a short visual novel about the subject and an interactive narrative .
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Comments: 9902
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I see what you mean, though I don't get it personally. My parents split but I'm not sure if it affected me in any way. I don't like I was ever convinced they loved each other. They were just two people living in the same house. They stayed together, I imagine for my brother and me but considering how many fights they got into, it might have been better for them not to stay together at all. I got used to them fighting, which might be worse than if they split earlier on. Even when I found out my dad was cheating, it didn't even phase me. At that point, I don't think I cared anymore. They never pretended to love each other and I didn't expect them to. Honestly, I was more surprised they waited so long to divorce.
I kind of wish things could have worked out better. Had they cut ties earlier, perhaps I could spend time with both my parents rather than having them avoid one another due to resentment. Then again, this might be one of those unavoidable situations.
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Thatβs how it feels- and itβll never heal. My parents divorced when I was 9- my father was abusive to my mother and they finally split after being together for 22 years.
Things were already bad; my father cheated on my mom throughout the marriage, heβd hit us, curse us, and the emotional turmoil was endless. Sometimes heβd leave for weeks without a word; while gone heβd disable everything in the house. No internet, no tv, barely any access to anything.
He monitored us with cameras in the house- continued to monitor me after the divorce in the same ways. I leaned from a very young age that everything I did was wrong- I was always making a mistake and maybe I even was the mistake.
I certainly do not envy you and your life experience with separations or remarriages- itβs brutal when youβre young and it sticks with you forever.
My life didnβt improve after the divorce either; although it was much better for my mom years and years of custody battles amounted to nothing- I was still always stuck seeing my father. He abused me- Iβm sure he always will.
I think I understand how you feel; how everyone commenting here feels. And yes, Iβve made that promise to myself: no kids, and no marriage.
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Is he still abusing you?
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Yes, he still does.
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I wish there was something I could do to help. You're really brave to talk about it. I know that there's been loads of custody battles, but have you ever tried to call 911?
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Yes, there was an incident years ago where we ended up outside a police station for hours after he called on me, the cops made it so much worse. They didnβt care about what happened to me, they just wanted me to go with him so the situation would be over for them (it was around 12 1 am)
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In that situation, he called about you instead of you reporting him. I meant that you could call the police and tell them that he's abusing you. However, if they make it worse, there are other places you can call.
On your profile it says you're in the US, so try calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at +18007997233. They're a service available 24/7 to help both adults and minors get help. Here's their privacy policy if you want to read that too. www.thehotline.org/privacy-polβ¦
Also try finding a domestic violence center near you. This website may help, www.domesticshelters.org/help#β¦
Believe me when I say that I had an abusive father too, and I'm going to do my best to help you.
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Thank you so much I really appreciate the effort. Iβm so sorry you experienced the same thing; itβs awful. I have to admit Iβm scared to contact anyone like that but Iβll definitely look into it thank you so much.
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(So sorry it took me so long to reply.)
You're welcome. Your so brave to cone on here and let people know about what's happening to you. I hope you know It's not your fault. It's just your father's own problems that are preventing him from caring for you. You deserve better.
I'm sending prayers and support.
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This will never heal.Β
I swear the same thing: I will never make the same mistake. Not for me, but for my children (heck I'll probably end up adopting a child). I'm a never married single man in college with no real hope for the current societal culture we live in. This system has destroyed our lives, and I refuse to marry any woman lest she is like-minded as me. Divorce should never be brought up in an argument. But, for the love of what family you have left, don't remarry.Β
It's been over 20 years, I just want my dad back. I want my mom to stop losing her self-reliance. It's never going to happen.Β
I want My baby girl...
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I have a special disgust and mistrust of parents who choose themselves over their kid when they are too young to have a say about their lives.My parents are horrible people, but I'm very glad they divorced when I was 2. I never had a fake or temporary image of happy family like that, and I know that many people stay together for the kids when they basically hate each other. The best thing to make sure to explain is that it's not the child's fault if two people just grow apart. That both parents love them. It will be tough anyway, but so many kids blame themselves, especially when they are young, but old enough to get what is going on.
I have a scientific theory as to why divorce seems and possibly is more common. It has to do with how love works in the brain. People don't know the stages and they also don't know that naturally after a period of 6 months to 3 years, depending on the persons in-love stage, the so called *spark* will die naturally if you don't keep the flame strong. Not a person in the world can keep that level of obsession and intense "us against the world" attitude that comes with it, and they aren't really supposed to. But people think that it, much like being happy can be a permanent thing. The brain is not built to stay in these stages. You can not and probably should not be blind to your partners faults nor be so obsessed with them that you can't think straight. You will either move on to a long term love (the kind where even when you see flaws, you still love them and help them as they help you improve as a person. You are not blind anymore) rekindling some of that spark, but keeping it a steady flame instead of a shooting star or break up and hopefully stay friends and a lot of people think they found "the one" when they hit that stage and subsequently tend to divorce in that stated timeline. Said stage is often brought on by sex or intimate relations where oxytocin and vasopressin are released. This explains SO many divorces.Β
On top of this, we have more access to follow friends, family and have wider circles of friends thanks to the internet. Much like the world has not really gotten worse, nor have humans changed all that much, but we now hear and sometimes see the horrible stuff that has been happening for 100's of years, often just with different tools. But percentage wise with the number of people living in poverty, rights, racism, sexism etc it's probably the best time for humans so far. And the fact that we can still look around and think we must be the worst most heartless species ever is a testament to how much we can see we can improve. It keeps us driven, even when it crushes our souls. It means we know there is an even better way and should strive for it. Our bar is not set low, and that's a good thing.
People often tell so many not to whine, usually with the idea being that x is so common, or I went through worse, you have no right to complain, but whining means we want to improve. Complaining is the first step to realizing things can be better. I wish people would see that as a form of communication instead of annoyance (and I'm speaking to myself too, I'm prone to telling people to stop whining) it really helps in all relationships to make your voice heard, things you want to improve, things that aren't acceptable to your spouse, your friends, family, the world.Β
Apologies for the rant, but I firmly think that this issue stems from an overarching issue of expectation and lack of communication that affects more than just spousal relationships and I think many would benefit from taking a communication class in any relationship, no matter how rock solid it feels right now.
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Some people just have no idea how real this is. I just want to hug that little girl and tell her that someday everything will get brighter, and to just to hold on. To do better than I did.
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This was the first thing that made me cry in years. Very well done.
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Terribly, i can really relate to this since my parents divorced when i was about 8 years old
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damn. My parents Never devorced... But I could Just feel the sadness dripping from that...
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This is a beautiful artwork. But... This must be really heart breaking for parents who are getting divorced. They don't have intentions to hurt their children, but they can't live a lie, pretend to love someone that they don't.Β
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I've seen both sides of this argument.Β A few of my friends who grew up in separated households did it right; where the parents agreed that the children's happiness was the most important thing and tried to get along for their sake.Β And I've seen it done wrong; with some very nasty divorces and a lot of late nights trying to comfort a friend who's whole world was falling apart. It makes me even more thankful that my own parents have stay so strong thought out the years.Β Even with all the shit that my grandparents gave them about religion; they stay strong and are still together after 30 years of marriage.Β Β I do agree that divorce has become a fad, and I think that its awful that it has.Β Your choices are more powerful then you think.Β
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a beautiful piece, in honesty, though i cannot relate since my parents' divorce was not so shattering as much as a relief, and my mother is much happier after it.
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my parents divorced when i was 2 months old.
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I first saw this piece when I was 17. My parents had been going through some rough times; they'd talked about divorce on several occasions since I was little. They have separated about three times in the past 25 years, but the actual divorce never happened. Still, it effected me to this very day. This piece is so true, more so for the children going through divorce today.Β
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A tragic situation has occurred. Sometimes I think that one of my daughters hides such a feeling... Maybe the sadness is my projection...
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I agree with you... Divorce is such a fad these days. I am lucky that my parents haven't divorced.Β
When I see a lot of couples and compare I can see different levels of love, but as much as the couple is united spiritually (they care for each other and love deeply, not careing that much for differences), the more the marriage lasts.
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But no matter what, parents must think always how their children feel. They have no excuse to say "it's my life", because they are the ones who took you in this world, and the most important persons. They have responsibilities!
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so the woman getting yelled at for being in a car crash instead of being asked if she was alright must stay with her husband for the kids' feelings? cut me a break, divorcees have enough to worry about without people blaming them for their childrens' feelings, especially because sometimes these parents spends hundreds to give that child therapy on the divorce.
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Disagree with the child feelings not mattering because of one thing. The child owes nothing, they're a true victim of circumstance they have absolutely no say in. They did not choose to be born. A parent is obligated from the point they have one to do everything they can for another human being. So their choices do affect the child and that should always be taken into consideration. Feeding, housing, clothing, loving, spending money on some entertainment and luxury is the job of a parent. Doing what they can is their criteria. It's not something one should get a gold star for doing when it is expected of them for choosing to guide and nurture a young human being.
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this comment is over a year old and you felt the need to write me an aggressive essay.
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I honestly think no married couples should divorce (except in case of domestic violence or an illegitimate relationship), first of all because the step of marriage is something really serious if two persones take the decision to spend their lives toghether, and of course the persons are fully conscious of it, and even more if they got children, because their marriage has the "seal" to have brought a life to the world. Besides I think those therapies (for what close friends have told me) do not always work, and you can't reproach the child for the hundreds spent for it, if the own parent brought him to the situation. If my parents got divorced I wouldn't like them to just pay me a therapy and that's it...
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of course that's not it, but living in a household were there is constant arguments or simply tension is much less healthy than being with parents part time for most. i can't speak for everyone, but parents generally wait until there are no other options to divorce, even if there isnt full-scale abuse, their mental health matters too.
(i do hope i'm not botheringn you here, sorry!)
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Oh no no, don't worry! We are just sharing opinions
Well, in my case my parents don't use to discuss (sometimes they do for not really serious stuff), but when they do in a hardcore way, they try to put a solution (I really insist on that ^^', I don't like when they are not in peace with each other). I can remmember a time when they had arguments for a long time (they even mentioned divorce), and it was for familiar issues (still now these are problematic), and sometimes it comes out the same theme but they try to talk calmly to see what things can be changed from their behaviour. I'm still not married so I can't really speak of that for expirience xD but I think divorce is such a misfortune and it should be the last thing if you feel lied or betrayed by the other person... I wish arguments couldn't finish no one's marriage. I insist, I don't know your case or anyone
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true, but sometimes a marriage will simply be uncomfortable and/or tense and just wont work out. it is often hard on the kids, but i personally believe it is better to see what an ideal relationship is growing up and not a tense one, which is what they would witness before a divorce
(that's good, don't want to be starting any arguments heh)
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Yeah, I agree that a good example is the best for the kids. If it is posible to not divorce and have a good marriage (even with some arguments,but not always) then that's the ideal I would follow
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I agree there
(woo, productive argument)
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Β Productive argument haha xD
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*anyone's, so I'm just saying what I think about the matter
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You make me cry... this is my same situation... even if now that I'm 19-20, my hate and my fear for the concept of "family" is still growing...
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I'm 23 now. My parents was going through divorce when I was in middle school all the way till my first year in college. Now they're able to have a conversation. But my view on making a family never changed. Yes the divorce effected me but not in a way to make me think marriage was a terrible idea. I'm married now(newly wed) and my view is to keep me and my husband happy and together. You shouldn't fear the concept of "family". You and your partner dictated how your family is. When you fear for your future because of a past event that you were in but not the cause of you're only setting yourself back. Your parents divorce does not dictate your future relationship(s) and/or marriage(s).
I encourage you to let past events be past events. You don't have to forget but its not healthy to let those things be apart of any relationships that you have with anybody. It's not fair to you or anyone else and the more you hold on to that hate and fear eventually you're going to push people who truly care and love you away. Be encourage because there is truly nothing to fear.
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I would, but sometimes I fear the fact that we could have a child and I don't wan to do to him or her the same things. I was 4 when this happened,and even now that I'm 19 there are still problem within my parents and I'm tired to know that they still not understand that I need peace, that they should solve their problem between them, but they do not.
I just want to hope that my future will be better.
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Of course your future will be better. Your 19 now, a few more years your're going to be living on your own, in a apartment, house, or with some friends/roommates. Your're old enough to move out but don't do it if your're not financially stable. You really should just focus on yourself and your future. Have a talk with your parents. Tell them how you were affected by the situation and how you feel about it. 15 years have passed i assume, since the problem have happened. What ever it was it was bad enough that one of your parents felt so hurt and betrayed that they refuse to forgive their spouse and thus just probably hate them. Thats something only them and them alone can fix. They have to truly forgive first in their heart to move past their problem. But that doesn't mean they'll will get back together. They could just leave everything on good terms. It's good that you care so much about your parents. Β
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I know. At the moment I'm studying hoping to find a job that I like.
But my parents...
my mother is really kind, she always try to help, to encourage me, but she became a monster when my father do something stupid.
They divorced because my father was full of debts, and now that I'm 19 and I'm trying to save moneys, someone says that if my father will not pay, I will, even if we live in two different sides of Italy and I never see him.
The thing I fear the most to have a family one day BUT to spend all my money for a father who have never helped me
But, I will try to think only about me and my mom.
Thanks for your words.
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I wish you the best of luck and you're welcome
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Been there. Felt that. The tears never quite fade do they?
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